Tune My Heart

My wife, Holly, said to me years ago when we were first dating: “You always throw yourself the best parties, but you always ditch mine.” She said that in regards to my “pity” parties.

On my daily commute to work (a brisk 4-5 minute walk), I started to reminisce. Thinking back to two days ago when I was cooking in the kitchen and belting out the great hymn, “Come Thou Fount.” I started to hum the tune, and in just a few notes in, that’s when I realized my folly. I had the biggest pity party I have had in years last night. My wife was that unfortunate neighbor to the house that was burning down, the flames too high and too hot. She tried to throw water on it, but the fire had consumed the house. It was gone.

I was gone. My delusional mind went to work and all remaining logic and critical thinking went out the window.

Recently, I’ve been sending out resumes out in hopes of getting a job in Austin, TX. I’m super excited that Holly’s going to be on staff with InterVarsity at UT-Austin. And was excited about the things God was doing to prepare us in going. Then, I got my first rejection e-mail yesterday. I quickly spiraled out of control.

This morning on my walk, I realized my folly: I’m prone to wander. I feel it. I am prone to leave the God that I love.

God has been so good to me, to Holly, to all those that He loves. How quickly do I forget the blessings and concentrate so heavily on this newly found “despair”.

Psalm 23 is David’s praise to God, where he proclaims that a certain goodness and mercy will follow him all the days of his life. He’s doing this in a cave, hiding from Saul who is trying to kill him. My mind went like this: “wtf?!” Really? You’re telling me that in a (literally) dark place, David, in the deepest part of his soul trusts God completely, and is utterly devoted to him. Believes that God will bring him out of this situation, when he doesn’t see any safe harbor? Wow. I want that kind of faith.

And then I realize that I do. In Christ. The scriptures are clear: in Christ we are made whole. in Christ we have the redemption of sins. In Christ’s death, the Spirit seals us with the deposit of eternal life. Are you kidding me? Of course I have much to rejoice about, of course my satisfaction and security is in Him. And I can’t for a iota believe otherwise – or else I’ll have another one of those epic parties.

“Here’s my heart Lord, take it and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.”

Stripped

When you peel back the layers of who I am:

• Graphic Designer
• Creative
• Husband
• Provider
• Brother
• Son
• Student
• Friend

You begin to see that I’m merely human. Many times, you will catch me trying to make myself out to be something I am not – interesting and relevant. I want to be of significance to you, so I will shape and contort my image so that you will find in me something of worth. I’m good at it. Some times too good. That’s my sin. I’m so hollow on the inside that I need to fill it with something, nay, any kind of praise that you will offer me. This will leave me puffed up for a time, but I will find myself depleted and on the hunt again.

Do me a favor. Next time you interact with me – ask me hard pressing questions about me and my existence. Hopefully by that point, I’ll have realized that it’s not about me and that it’s suppose to be about God living in me – that’s what you’re really after.

My designs will one day fall out of vogue. My creative thoughts will be found out one day – merely replicas of other unoriginal thoughts of years past. Even the flattering words that fall flat out of my mouth won’t do much to make much of me. I just hope that I put an end of me, so that you see God, who handles glory a whole lot better than me.

Reflections made by a sinful man in need of grace – fortunately found and bought by Christ, my redeemer.

Inspirational Sources

As a practitioner of the creative arts, inspiration accounts for 80% of the final product. 20% of it is good ol’ fashion elbow grease hard work.

I’m constantly on the lookout for anything that might peak my visual interests, places like Abduzeedo, along with ffffound and numerous feeds in my Google Reader. (If you’d like a comprehensive list, leave a comment with your email address and I’ll send you one).

I’m always looking at textures on the side of buildings, street signs, company logos. Anything to get my mind jogging and thinking in a new perspective. I’ll turn my head to the side to look at something. I’ll lower my body to get a closer look at flowers, animals, or the chewed-up-spit-out gum.

There’s also another reservoir for creativity, my past. Feelings, emotions, memories from days past. Sounds I might have heard when I was 7 while at the park flying kites with my little sisters.

Where do you get your source of inspiration? Are you a process oriented person who uses the process to spur on inspiration? Are you methodical? Go-with-the-flow kind of creative? Are you one of those people who can just turn it on, and let it fly?

Christians, do you pray routinely before starting a project? During the project? After the project has been complete? Do you allow the Bible to speak to you visually to gather inspiration?

I know that Ephesians 4:11-13 doesn’t explicitly say that Christ posited the position of Creative in the job equipping list, but I’d wager (if I were a betting man) from Exodus 31 that  God did indeed have in mind creativity as a spiritual gift. This, to me, gives me greater inspiration and hope that what I do isn’t for vain/naught. What God has given as a spiritual gift is for the unification of the church until the Lord returns to Earth, and I believe every word of that.

So what is your inspiration? Leave it in the comments.

Happy Anniversary!

This coming monday is my wife and I’s first wedding anniversary! We made it a whole year! To commemorate this joyous occasion, I did what any other graphic designer would do, create a graphic and implement that across many mediums. Ha! For real though, that’s exactly what I did!

One morning I got up super early to photograph a ring tree that Holly bought for our bathroom (CB2 online). We never had a place to put our rings, and so ring tree holder! Problem solved. She loves the thing, as do I. Upon photographing it, I played around with some fonts and settled on Ostrich Sans, which has this wonderful font weight family that has thin, condensed, double stroked, etc. I used it on the “365″ “ONE” and “YEAR”. I used Raleway for “HAPPY” and “ANNIVERSARY” for something with a bit more width and proportion. (Disclaimer, I’m a HUGE fan of The League of Movable Type, I think they do phenomenal work there!) I also added a text treatment on “YEAR” by intertwining the letters around the ring tree holder, mimicking our love for one another (cue sappy music).

I started with something of the print variety and made a card:

And then of course I designed for the iPad 2 my wife just got:

And of course I had to design for my new iPhone 4 that I recently acquired: 

And lastly, I had to design for my MacBook Pro, obviously.

Tune in next year for a revamp of the wedding anniversary design!

 

 

 

 

A Moment Tender

As the sun falls beneath the concrete skyline that is Dallas, I find myself alone in my office. Something about the hour before nightfall causes me to think back on days past. Somewhere within the construct of memories, one bubbles to the top. Edge Water Park in Cleveland, Ohio. In front of me is my middle sister leaping from rock to rock. To the side, the littlest one hand clenched with my mom. And behind me is my father. With a booming voice he asks, “Anybody want to put a bet on what time the sun will set tonight?”

“Eight forty-five” came out of my mouth.

“Nine oh-four!” Miss Skippy offered.

Without much noise, a “Nine oh-nine” came from the hand-holder.

A bold and confident “Nine twenty-five” came from my mother.

Looking at his watch, father said, “Okay, let’s see who wins.”

Assuming the role of scout, I walked a little faster to find a suitable area to sit down and observe this contest. A few feet from the water’s edge, and underneath the canopy of a tree, we sat and waited.

“What’s the time?” I excitedly asked.

“Eight thirty.” My father answered back.

“Oh I’m going to win!” Noting that the sun was not remotely close to the horizon, the middle one jeered.

As we continued to pester father for the current time, the sun followed its orbit around the Earth. Eighty-fifty passed. Then came nine-ten. As all the children realized their reality of missing the mark, mom whispered into the little one’s ear.

“Mom switched times with me! I still have a chance!” She couldn’t contain herself.

“That’s not fair! She can’t do that!” Skippy protested.

“Nine twenty-five!” Father proclaimed the winner. With the final trip around the clock face, the orange ball of fire fell quiet among the tidal waves of the lake.

This would be one of the last memories of a connected father to his children. The next time this game was to be played, it would be in Los Angeles, many years later on a visit, by the children, to see their working father. A moment tender. A moment preserved. A moment yearned for, in an empty office as the light of day is being sucked away. Into the night, a moment tender.

i’m so irregular it hurts

and no, I am not talking about bowel movements. It’s been too long friends. I apologize. Ever since I graduated, life has not been the same, nor has it been what I would expect. Things in life ebb and flow, but one thing remains constant for me; my assurance that I have a spot at the foot of the cross. Nothing else satisfies me more than to know that I am loved by the One who cannot let me down. I’ve tried to stay faithful, but my carnality begs me to wane and wander. If it wasn’t for shed blood and redeeming grace, oh would I be lost. It’s a process and it’s a journey, one worth taking and one worth laying my life down for.

updates:

1. I applied to Dallas Theological Seminary back in February or March. I found out last week that I got accepted into their Masters of Arts: Media and Communication! Praise God.

2. I’ve been freelancing as a graphic designer and it has been amazing how God has provided for me in that I have a some-what steady income with clients that seem to come out of nowhere.

3. I’ve been wanting to extend and work on my photography services, but the timing has been all wrong. With this move to Dallas in the fall, the local push in Columbus for photography has come to a screeching halt. Which I’m fine with. There are so many other things that I need to be taking care of.

4. Holly moved to North Carolina for the summer, she’s there to be with her family and to work to save up for seminary. It’s been extremely difficult dealing with the long-distance nature of our relationship now. It’s harder to read her words without looking at her body language and her face as she talks. But it’s life, and like I mentioned above, it’s worth it. She’s worth it. There’s no other woman that I’d rather be with than her. We all have our moments, but we aren’t perfect people so how we can perform to such a level. Grace and love unconditional are the salt and pepper shakers to a well seasoned meal/relationship. (mmm… bacon..)

Anyways, just wanted to post something up here to say that I’m still alive and I do intend on using this more often. I haven’t been journaling enough and it’s about time that I started to get back into the practice. So much is locked up there in the ole noggin, and the space isn’t available anymore.

Be well, peace and grace unto you.

I’m behind.

Wow. I apologize for anybody that has been following my blog. I fell off the face of the earth. I’ve been meaning to write posts, but whenever I sat down nothing came to mind. 

What have I been doing with my time? 

Trying to transition. You can ask my girlfriend how hard this transition has been for me. Luckily for me, she’s been there every single step of the way and has made this transition a little bit easier. A lot of this transition has had to deal with my weaning my dependence off of friends and onto solid foundations. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m realizing more and more that I can’t do life on my own power/will/desire/motivation. Ultimately, things will go awry and things will go under. It is just inevitable. I know that I’ve only been a month out since graduating, but it feels like an eternity. In that long expanse of time, I’ve come to this thought: God is good. I might not think it, but He is good. and two: He has a plan. I don’t know what it is, but He’s got my life in the palm of His hands. God’s been gently (and sometimes not so much) trying to remind me that my life is not my own, and that it is He who has created it. More importantly, it is He who will perfect and author it. It says in the Word that God is my author and perfecter of faith (hebrews 12:2), that I am made perfect because Jesus Himself calls me to be perfect (matthew 5:48). 

What hasn’t worked in my time of transition:

This category can relate to my finances, my relationship with Holly, my friendships, church cultivation, or a number of things. But the biggest thing that has not worked has been my efforts to establish an identity in my creativeness. Every time I sit down to work on my own logo (Kevan Lin), nothing comes. It’s like creative constipation. I try and try to push something out, but nothing ever comes out. I don’t know what else to do. If I don’t have an online identity (website) or a portfolio, I really don’t have much to go out into the world and get a job. So this is a pretty big hump to get over. If you could pray that creativity comes to me and helps me to build this up (not for my sake, but for God’s glory). 

Prayer Request(s):

If I could, I am asking for prayer on certain things in my life. 

1. I am going to Dallas next week for the Creative Church Conference (link). Please pray that I will be refreshed spiritually but also in a creative way too. (the story of how everything was paid for and why I am going, is pretty crazy- i’ll blog about that next time)

2. My current job at the Business school will be ending at the end of March. Please pray that the Lord provides for me. By way of a job or in another aspect (opportunity to serve abroad or something else entirely, I am open )

 

Thank you! Of course, if you have prayer requests of your own, please please leave them in the comments and I will pray for you.

the holidays

Christmas came and went. Snow fell and magically disappeared before the 25th came around. What an odd occurence. While I enjoy the holidays, and what it means to me (a ton of food, plenty of family bonding, catching up on sleep), this holiday season signifies something greater for me. This christmas (i gave you my… i won’t go there) represents, for me, a lose of innocence. Every year my grandparents give me money in a red envelope (hong bow), it’s a tradition that most Taiwanese/Chinese families have. Well apparently, this is my last year that I will recieve one. I’ve graduated and therefore according to the rules of red envelope giving, i am no longer qualified to get them anymore. As bummed as I am about that, i’m even more saddened that I’m in the mist of transitioning from a very familiar environment where most things are paid for, to something that is so foreign to me. I have to look for and obtain medical insurance on my own by my birthday this year. Countdown set to 20 some days. Great. Add ‘searching for a job’ onto the list. My life has become a giant checklist filled with “to-do’s” and “to-see’s”. If this is what the adult world is like, I don’t want to be apart of it.

I realize that many of you might be reading this, and thinking “kevan, you’re going to be fine, because I went through that” or “you have nothing to worry about, things will work out.” As much as I respect you, and your thoughts on this, i just want to interject that these frustrations are mine and mine alone. I don’t mean to be hostile in that statement, I mean it with all kinds of truth and innocence. That I am niave to this new adult world, and this thing here on wordpress is merely an online exercise in logging my frustrations, as I work through this transition.

I know to expect failure, and for things to not work out (especially in this economy). I also anticipate that it might take a few more tries to get these wings a flapping and taking off into the sky. It’s all a process. And for the first time, I realize that I’m not alone. I have so many friends and family surrounding me, encouraging me, and rallying me. I always will be eternally grateful. But more than that, I have Jesus. He’s my calm amidst this storm of job hunting and insurance seeking. He’s my escape and refuge when the bills suddenly pile up. Jesus is there for me when no one else. When my girlfriend is sleeping and I can no longer talk to her on the phone, Jesus is there to speak with me, melting my issues away and talking me into a gentle sleep. That’s my God, and all his gentleness. It’s a beautiful thing, and without Him I would not be where I am today.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, and I’m looking forward to writing my personal emails to a slew of you all.

Day 2: Post-Grad.

Wow, I’m done. What a weird feeling. I’m not sure it has completely sunk in yet, but with time I’m sure it will. Or at least when everybody comes back from vacation to start school again. and I won’t be. How liberating, and yet weird it will be. 

Everybody keeps asking about plans? I think its totally fine not having one. I’m beginning to adopt the idea that nothing solid will be in front of me for awhile. I’m going to have to branch out and just do something different, which is something I associate this post-grad life with. I’m totally excited for this. But I’m not ready for it. Yet. 

Over break I’ll be relaxing and charging up my batteries. I’ll also be starting up my job search. I’ll also be purchasing a new laptop. I’m so tempted to buy the macbook pro, but it is totally out of my price range right now. Thought about putting it on credit and paying off as much as I can and then slowly paying it off, but I can’t justify it. Especially now during this economic downturn of our current predicament. So I might just opt for the macbook and load the crap out of it. Until I get a well paying job, I’ll buy something better. But for my purposes right now, it’ll work fine. In fact, I’ve been using my powerbook G4 for everything that I do, and it has handled (up to a certain point) well. 

I’ll be trying to keep the frequency of these posts up, but with the holidays coming, christmas cookies and cheer are going to be preoccupying me.